Bad news today.

So this is not the kind of news a person wants to ever hear from their doctor. I (in a way) still feel like i'm dreaming. Like it's not real. The results of my MRI were abnormal. Apparently, I have white plaques through my frontal lobe. Most likely "Lupus" plaques, but my rheumatologist still does not like the word "Lupus" for me and so uses it rarely. He knows what it is, I think he's just giving me "time." I was told today, that I must start my Imuran treatment immediately and that I will most likely begin Cytoxin/Rituxin chemotherapy infusions very soon to slow the progression. Remember there is NO CURE (thanks to a lack of funding and awareness.) So this is merely an attempt at slowing the disease progression. HONESTLY...I'm scared guys...... I don't know how to feel and I'm just not prepared for this at all. As if you ever COULD BE. There's no operation to remove the problem....no antibiotic to fight it off. It's just there. It can't be reversed....the damage that is done cannot be repaired. It will just spread like a cancer through my brain until they can slow it with the chemo. Nevertheless, it will just continue....no matter how slow....until we find the cure. My kids are just babies. I'm not ready for this. There's so much I want to do still. it's affecting my memory, my ability to move freely, bathe, care for myself. It's horrible. I'm PISSED OFF! I have done my best on this planet to be a good person, to help others, to teach and to learn. I feel cheated right now, like i've been charged with a crime I did not committ! This is stealing my life from me and I'm ANGRY! I'm just so ANGRY!